


It's you.

by teddylvpin (etacanis)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Harry Potter Next Generation, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:49:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22636234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etacanis/pseuds/teddylvpin
Summary: Teddy can't help but hope, but it hurts.
Relationships: Teddy Lupin/James Sirius Potter
Comments: 4
Kudos: 97





	It's you.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nicc](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicc/gifts).



> God, it's been a long time since I've written these two, and yet I can't stop making them hurt.
> 
> This is for nicc, who has left me some of the most lovely comments on my old fics in my seven-year absence, and made me remember just how much I love writing next-gen. Thank you, it truly meant a lot.
> 
> No beta, all mistakes are my own.

Teddy startles awake, grabs for his wand in one swift movement. Another thud, and the sound of heavy breathing by the door.

_ Lumos. _

Light floods the room, and squinting against the sudden brightness, Teddy realises it's his James, giggling drunkenly as he tries to toe his boots off.

"Shhhh," James whispers, giggling through it still. He tries again with his boots, kicks one to the floor before he falls, straight onto the mattress, narrowly avoiding Teddy's shins.

"Jamie, this isn't your house." The light is dancing, but James is grinning in the glow of it as he wiggles up the bed, crawling his way up by pulling at the duvet, and Teddy's limbs, at anything he can get to.

"Yeah." He has no reply to that, drunk logic far outarming him. There's some reason that Jamie needs to be here, but it doesn't make any sense, and it doesn't help that Jamie has rested his head in the crook of his neck, wrapped his arms around Teddy's waist; he's breathing wetly against Teddy's skin, delicate panting breaths, and Teddy has had too many dreams that end this way. 

_ Nox. _

The darkness offers little comfort as James nuzzles in closer, leans up to whisper in Teddy's ear.

"You're my best mate, Teddy." And that is more than enough reminder that he needs to remember who he is, and what this isn't.

**

The first time he realises that he  _ likes - loves - likes _ James, it comes as a shock. It's James' 21st birthday, and he's drunk and dancing with Lily, holding her hands and swinging her around. He tilts his head back at a joke that Teddy can't hear for the music and he laughs, and all Teddy can focus on is the curvature of his throat, the swell of muscle cording his arms and  _ oh. Oh, that's why none of the other guys were right, none of them could compare with that. _

For a moment, Teddy is still, his heart thudding in his chest, his stomach clawing its way up his throat because Teddy is the wrong side of 25 for James, and they're basically brothers and -  _ and _ James turns round and stares right at him, beckons him with a smirk, and Teddy  _ runs _ . He disapparates with a crack, lands on his knees in his living room with Jamie's look of confusion seared into his retinas, and he throws up over the rug.

**

He blames work for his excuses for weeks - too much work, too tired, _ I'd love to go for dinner Jamie but I just can't _ , and he thinks it working, except he's miserable and Lily keeps sending him owls asking why he's avoiding everyone, but what is he supposed to do?

Tell Jamie he loves him - well, of course not. That wouldn't end well. Pretend he doesn't? But he's tried, and it hurts, and even self inflicted misery and the thought of everyone's anger is better than that.

He makes do, he gets through one month, two weeks and three days, but then Jamie turns up at his office door. He's bruised and battered, a raid gone wrong, and his eyes are full of anger, and Teddy stares at the pile of parchment on his desk and doesn't say anything.

"You're being a dick, and I don't know why, but I've had enough of it, Ted." He raises his hand when Teddy goes to speak, half prepared excuses ready to trip out of his mouth. "Enough. Dinner at mine tonight, I don't care, I just miss you."

The door slams behind him, and Teddy's heart breaks.

**

And now it's two years later, and Teddy is pushing thirty, and it's two in the morning, with everything he'd dreamed about wrapped around him, and  _ everything _ is wrong, but so right, and he already doesn't know what tomorrow could possibly look like.

**

Teddy wakes again to weak morning light filtering through the gap in curtains and the sound of James retching in the ensuite. With a flick of his wand, the curtains are wide open, the anemic light serving only to accentuate the fact of everything.

He pads to the bathroom, stretching out the kinks in his back as he goes. James is a pitiful sight, curled on his side on the wood, one hand propped against the porcelain, his eyes fluttering.

"How much did I drink last night?" He croaks, his breath bitter and yellow. Teddy grabs a glass from the counter, taps his wand against it and fills it with water. James takes it, grasping blindly, sloshing half of it down himself before he gulps it down.

"I don't know, you just turned up here." There's a look of confusion, mouth open in an  _ oh, _ and Teddy settles down next to him. In seconds, James turns himself round, rests his head against Teddy's crossed calves and he doesn't know what he's done to deserve  _ this _ , his limits pushed to breaking. He's desperate to touch, to comfort, to card his hands through James' hair, to flutter kisses against his forehead, to make him feel better.

He looks at James, half asleep, his hand still cupped around the glass, and he can't stop himself, and this is the lesser evil he thinks as he lets his hand rest on James' forehead, lets his thumb stroke against his temple. James lets out a sigh of contentment, presses back into Teddy's hand and his resolve his breaking;  _ I love you, I love you, I love you. _

"Lily said you'd look after me," he murmurs and Teddy's mind races with questions, when, why, does she know, why would she think that.

"Always," he says, instead, and he'd say anything if it meant James would always smile like that.

They sit like that, James' head in his hand, James mouth just barely against his calf, long after his legs start cramping, and Teddy forces himself to think of work, to think about what he's going to have for dinner, thinks anything to stop himself from hoping.

**

They fall into an easy truce. James doesn't ask why Teddy pushed him away, and Teddy ignores the way his heart thrums every time he sees him.

They fall back into their routine, dinner every other week, quidditch games in the park with Lily and Rose once a month, and Teddy carries on vetting the girls James brings home, and never says that they're not good enough.

He tries to date, but now he knows, he can't stop picking at faults. The way they say his name is wrong, their smile not quite right, they're just not him, and he doesn't tell Lily the real reasons when she interrogates him over tea.

_ I just want you to be happy, _ she snaps, sounding so much like James that it aches, what will make you happy, Ted? And oh, wouldn't she like to know.

**

With the help of half of Teddy's potion cabinet, James gets himself together enough to get off the floor. He lounges on the sofa, Teddy's jumper too long in the sleeves for his arms, his legs bare save for his boxers, and  _ it could be just like this. _

Teddy busies himself by tidying, doesn't answer when James asks why he's doing it the Muggle way. He folds his laundry twice, and is about to reorganize his bookshelf when James says his name. Just barely above a whisper, Teddy can tell there's something more to this.

"How did you know?" He croaks out. "That you were gay?" His hand covers his eyes, like the light is hurting him, like he can't look at Teddy right now. "I should know, shouldn't I? I'm nearly twenty three? There's always girls?" Teddy doesn't know if they're statements or questions, but he perches on the arm of the sofa, and tries to keep his mind blank. As if by reflex, James stretches out further, rests his feet on Teddy's lap. Teddy wants to trace the curve of his ankle, the line of his tendon.

"I just - I didn't like girls, at all." He shrugs, even though James still won't look at him. "You can like both though, you know that, it's not one or the other." A bare hint of a nod, and James scrubs his hand down his face. He sits up, pulls his legs away, scooches closer to Teddy, but pulls his knees to his chest and stares.

"What if, like, what if it was just one?" He shakes his head. "Just one guy, and I can't stop thinking about him, even with the girls."

And just like that, Teddy's heart breaks. So this, this is what true pain feels like, and he doesn't think he can breath or say something because it was okay, okayish, when it was an impossibility that something could ever happen, but it's not okay, not okay at all, that it could be someone that's not him.

"Ted, say something." He can't, he wants to throw up, and James is leaning forward, grabbing at Teddy's arms, pulling at him like a man drowning and Teddy shuts his eyes, because it's the same face as the party, and he can't disapparate out of his own house, but everything in him is telling him to run. "I'm sorry, Ted, Lily told me to tell you, she said you'd understand, she said you'd be fine, she said-" James is babbling, and Teddy snaps his eyes open, forces him to look because he only does that when he's scared. "Ted, I'm sorry, I should go-"

He doesn't think. He's sick of thinking, he grabs back at James, pulls him close. Their mouths meet and it's awkward, and he's too high up, and James hadn't quite finished babbling, but it's so right, and he's wanted this for so long, just once, he will leave James alone if that's what he has to do after this, he'll move, he'll do anything for just this once.

James pulls away, just barely, his lips still graze Teddy's, and Teddy is ready to run, he's trying to think of something to say, maybe he can just say he was just trying to help him work it out.

"Oh," James says, breathes, almost gasps. "Ted, it's you."

  
  
  



End file.
